confession

I'm trying this new thing this semester where I'm fairly serious about school. Not missing, doing all the assignments...you know! Things that people typically do out of common sense. And not only do the stuff but be sincere about it. No sooner than I made this commitment, a professor gave us an assignment that almost made me quit immediatly. "Do your 'I will allow myself to...' assignment as private writing in a public way. Remember to look deep and really push yourself! Make it worth it. And yes...we're pulling these up in class Friday." So! Hello health and wellness class and the world...let's begin! ;)
This picture is of me and my sisters. Obviously. What you probably don't know though is that this Chantel is VASTLY different from 'present day' Chantel. This was before life happened to me. With 2 exceptions, I still thought that life was just peachy alllll the time. Exception 1 had been dealt with and exception 2 is still a work in progress but I was ignoring it then. This was when I believed everything that people said to me, no questions asked. I didn't yet know what it felt like to be truly hurt. And more painful than anything else, to be hurt by somebody close to me that I trusted 100%. I thought "heartbreak" was a ridiculous term but in 2 years I'd learn it the hard way; collapsed in my bathroom and throwing up. I had this grand idea in my mind what relationships were and the way my future husband (aka Prince Charming of course) would come into my life.

A little while after this, I learned a lot of lessons. Some the hard way and I fully acknowledge that I brought it upon myself. Somewhere along the way, I lost my image of marriage and love and thought very little of it. I hated it even. I buried my desires by telling myself that it was a lie and I didn't want it. I told myself hookups were easier. I decided to act out of "fun" more than anything else. As me and one of my best friends discussed yesterday, this is not only false, but it makes everything worse. Some of the hardest conversations are the ones where somebody thinks so highly of a guy, and I'm dying inside because I feel like they're awful because of the way that I let them treat me. "Friends with benefits" "make out buddies" "non-commital"....it's all a bunch of bull to be honest. But it's easier that way. That way you aren't expected to talk about the hard things. That way you don't have to put yourself out there. That way, you know without a doubt, that you will never hurt as bad as you did before.

But every so often I remember why the risk was worth it. How fun it was to feel like you had a constant best friend. A "go to" person. Somebody that could make you laugh and turn your whole day around and have that person not only be fun to kiss, but mean something to you. Sure, I can lie and tell myself that I never want to get married but I know it's a lie. And everytime I hold a baby I remember how my whole life, I've wanted nothing more than to be a mom. Yes, relationships can be awful. Yes, they can hurt you. But they can be some of the greatest things too. So, starting today I will allow myself to be loved again.