Sunday, May 22, 2011

graveyard gambles

Tonight is my second night in a row working a graveyard. In fact, today was a 16 hour shift.

Not exactly my favorite thing.

But I like to get a lot done and noc's are perfect for that.

Tonight: watched 4 episodes of "How I Met Your Mother", changed 7 people, painted toe nails, wrote in my journal, swept and mopped dining room and kitchen, deep cleaned the kitchen (down to the freakin toaster), 2 loads of laundry and started cooking for tomorrow.

And that's just since 11 pm.

No matter what I'm doing though, I hear her coughing and crying out.

Tonight is one of those nights where I have a hard time with death. A really rough time. I feel guilty for trying to avoid her son because I find myself nearly tearing up whenever he starts talking. It's 3 am and he's still here walking the halls; pacing and crying, pacing and crying, pacing and crying. He looks at me with empty eyes that are completly helpless. I say words like morphine, haldol, lorazapam and he just looks down rubbing his neck, and shaking his head. "Whatever you feel is best..." "What would you do?" "Just do what you think...." "I don't understand.." I feel like there is something slightly morbid about a twenty-one year old trying to decide how much medication to give a woman while she dies.

I think of Room 15. I think of how hard it was when he died. I remember breaking the cardinal rule and breaking down in front of his family. Telling him goodbye after his blessing of release. I remember the days where we sat and talked and he seemed to be fairly with it. I faintly ignored him and laughed when he talked about the guy I deserve and how I should never settle. I remember coming back the next day and finding EVERYTHING out of his room already gone. And crying again.

My least favorite day of my life was the first time I found a resident dead in her bed. It got that much worse when having to call the daughter and inform her that her mom had just passed away. "What do I say? How do I start that conversation?" She answered super cheerfully and I just went silent. She knew. I sat there speechless while she sobbed on the other end, asking what to do next.

The night my favorite got put into bed for the last time, was the last time she was lucid. Hillarie came in and we sat on the floor laughing at everything she said for almost an hour. Suddenly "the favorite" starting crying and driving the importance to make sure her family understood how proud she was. She couldn't stop telling us how much she loved them. When I handed her tissues she grabbed my hand and said "Make sure you tell them. Make sure they know I love them. You need to promise me Miss!" 13 hours later I found myself surrounded in the hallway telling 4 children and in-laws the conversation from the night before. 2 days later I got a call and shortly after found myself at work, doing post-mordem care.

Even when you know it's someone's time to go, it doesn't get easier.

For awhile it helps comfort you.

Whether it's hours, months, years, days or weeks...

You hear yourself talking about how good it'll be for them to finally be happy and peaceful.

But then that day comes and all of a sudden you don't care about what's best for them anymore.

You just miss them.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

down that red dirt road

I am an incredibly deep sleeper. I sleep through EVERYTHING! When I was little, I had this best friend that used to not sleep at night because she was so worried that since I slept so deep, she wouldn't be able to get me out of the house if it caught on fire....

...18 years later, she's still my best friend..... ...there's not a day in my life, that she hasn't cared about ^^this crazy girl!

Brittany has always taken care of me! But especially when I first moved out. I was only 18 and was moving 300 miles away by myself but she had moved 215 miles away from Provo, making her a quick 30 minute drive away from my new home.

Although Jess helped me move my stuff, Britt drove me down to St. George (as seen above) when I officially moved there. But even 2 weeks before that, she let me, Nique, Vaughan, Meeks and Dewey stay at her house while 3 of us had orientation at Dixie. That night we ditched the boys and went on a drive through some of Cedar's dirt roads and outskirts and for the first time, I was able to completly open up about how weird it all felt, how scared I was and how I didn't know what to expect and how things were already changing with high school friends. We drove and blasted music and got McFlurry's and she made me feel so much better about such a life change.

That October, I was slightly depressed (or a lot) and was having a hard time so she offered to let me come and crash Halloween with her and her friends/roommates. And she picked me up. And she helped me with my costume. And she bought my ticket to the HOWL. And she helped me get ready. And she bought me dinner. And she let me stay at her house for two nights. And she once again made me feel better.

Spend even twenty minutes with Brittany and you'll know that fast that she is easily one of the most caring and loving people you will ever meet. She's incredibly genuine about it too!

Britt always takes the time to consider how things are going to make somebody feel or how it will affect them. She isn't selfish enough to ever just do something, knowing that it would have a negative affect for somebody else.

Last January, she started clinicals down in St. George on a regular basis. This meant that she would now be spending Sunday and Monday nights with me at my apartment. (Typically on the floor-what a trooper!) It was a blast! After being in China the previous fall, it was fun to be so close again and get to hang out on a fairly regular basis. Especially because for a couple months there, I had a lot going on and she was 1/4 of my only friends. (good times lol)

She remained there for me even after "hell month". When she came down she was typically freaking out about work loads, tests, clinicals and all the other crap that goes along with such a "prestigous and tedious program." Brittany has a way of stressing that I just don't understand. I slept through half of my ACT! So me being the happy-go-lucky, carefree twin, would insist that she leave her stuff until later and we go get dinner, go hot tubbing, shopping (matching sandals from Wal-Mart that we both STILL have over a year later!), basketball games...etc.

We had some great adventures down south! One night she stayed up waiting for me while I drove 12 mph through a white out blizzard. She came and picked me up (again) to drive to Beaver to meet my dad for my car. We drove home together multiple times. She freaked out when I once accidentally turned off the headlights on the freeway. And let's not forget that Wendy's in Filmore.... ???

Brittany put up with a lot at the end of her great college days. Like getting stuck with the bill at our moderatly pricey "birthday dinner"^^^ but she has definetly come a long ways! I can say without a doubt just from the papers and packets and books and tears and early mornings and days in the library and driving from Cedar to St. George twice a week and ridiculous facts to memorize and hard days and tough clinicals that I have been a part of, she has earned where she is now!

CONGRATULATIONS TWIN! You truly are my best friend and I can not think of my own college life, without thinking about you! Nobody could be more deserving than you! And you are going to do GREAT!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I hope they call me on a mission...

Yes, this was me at least four times yesterday. Checking the mailbox has become a regular routine. So much that I have hijacked the keys and put it on my own keyring. Most bizarre feelings to be waiting for a mission call.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

dia de me madre

To the mom that went to everyone of my volleyball and basketball games for over 7 years.

To the mom that woke me up everyday to make sure I made it to school.

To the mom that woke herself up everyday to make breakfast for us.

To the mom that made me to go church for all 18 years before moving out.

To the mom that was always home for dinner.

To the mom that is the most die-hard BYU fan I have ever met.

To the mom that stayed up all night while 4 of the 5 kids were throwing up.

To the mom that has been my number one fan my whole life.

To the mom that has believed in me and made me believe in myself.

To the mom that has stood behind me through all of my crazy plans and antics and lifestyles and travels no matter what.

To the mom that taught me the importance of self-confidence and standing up for myself.

To the mom that I love and owe so much to...


late as usual!

April 23rd is a special day

It's mom and dad's ann-i-ver-sar-y!

Happy anniversary! Happy anniversary!

Ha-have a happy anni-ver-sary!

(you should have heard when we sang it)
My parents marriage has always been "different" to me. Growing up, about 90% of my friends parents were divorced or it wasn't uncommon to hear them fighting or arguing or bashing on each other. I never saw that with my parents. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that I realized just how truly amazing my parents love for each other is: they're a team ALWAYS! Whether 'punishing' us, deciding if we can hang out that weekend, where to vacation, or big things like moving us to Provo, they always decide it together. Gender roles? Non-existent. I've grown up watching my dad change my brothers (and now niece and nephew) diapers, attempt to put my hair in a ponytail and help my mom clean the house and wash dishes. They support each other. They both have had some hefty callings of Bishop (twice), Relief Society Presidency, Young Womens Presidency and yearsssss of endless scout camps to name a few.

They have taught me about true love! In the past years when I didn't believe in/wanted nothing to do with marriage, it was always their example towards each other that kept some flicker of hope for me. I don't remember them fighting even once! They make each other laugh. My dad kisses my mom when he gets home from work. She starts crying and instantly their hands find each other. They were always "unified" in their decisions. They've shown through example how important the Church is.

I love the way they treat each other and how much their marriage really means to me.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011


Apparantly I have this thing with crying in laundry rooms. Sad, but true.

Especially if it's April.

Back in April 2009, Ericka, Hill and I went down to switch over laundry and play a little air hockey. With a totally random call from my brother, I ran outside to talk to him for a minute while they continued to play. As I walked inside I "looked like a ghost" and both of them could tell something was wrong. Then came the water works! Like 40 minutes of them...

April 2011 I left work to go to a meeting with my Bishop. Luckily I was working with one of my besties that night so it wasn't a huge deal. When I came back, my mind and everything was going crazy so I headed straight to the laundry room, hoping that a lack of human interaction would help me keep my emotions together for a little bit.

Then Miss Kim came walking in. She simply folded her arms, leaned against the counter and asked "How did it go?" Then came the water works! (Something about the smell of clean laundry and the comforting warm air just makes me fall apart I guess) She gave me a hug and stood there listening to my rambling and sobbing and freaking out and swearing and doubts and excitement and just cried with me. Then she gave me all the re-assurance and love that I needed right then.

Kim is a blast to work with! With the exception of my sister, she was the first person I interacted with at my new job and I love her to death. She's kind of on the sister level at this point. She answered her phone all 14 times that I called her trying to find the Lindon Los Hermanos when I was across the street from Hale Center Theatre. She leaves me notes...everywhere. She listens to my venting and raving no matter what the subject. She covers for me. She trades me shifts. She doesn't always let her husband make fun of me. We listen to the same music and take pictures and 45 minutes to clean up dinner because we start laughing at things and get so caught up in talking. She goes into nurse mode and gives me awkward medical opinions/advice. Unlike Hil, she doesn't spray me with the kitchen hose. She doesn't get mad when I send her TMI texts in the middle of the night and makes fun of me for months afterward. She has been the MOST supportive and re-assuring person since I decided to go on a mission...

It has seriously meant the world to me!