Thursday, October 28, 2010


Dear God,
1 week and 21 years ago, you sent Hilary Searle to dear Miss Steph. I think that is one of the best decisions you ever made! I met Hilary (aka Tink, Hill Billy, Tinkie Winkie, Hilb, Shortfry, Fun Size, Hil) in 2009 shortly after moving to St. George. I honestly feel like I have known her forever!

I am so happy that you gave her so many good qualities! You made her strong. You made her to be not only a good friend, but a GREAT one! You gave her a super strong testimony. You made it so that family in important and her friends mean the world to her. You gave her so much patience that I think you may have accidently given her mine. That's okay though because she is giving a lot of it back to me :)

You gave her a strong mind that she has made really smart. You made service and helping others important to her. You gave her one of the BEST laughs and an even greater sense of humor! She has laughed off everything from getting hit in the face with pudding, falling while trying to escape our apartment, funny texts sent when she leaves her phone, and even Anna peeing on her doorstep! You give her inspiration to know exactly when she needs to call me and the perfect words for what I need to hear.

Thank you for putting her in my life! I have SO MUCH fun with her no matter what we're doing. Even the nights we have sleepovers and are supers super tired and end up laying there taking pictures for over 45 minutes. There is not a single time that we do something, that doesn't have me rolling (and sometimes peeing) in laughter! She has been a true blessing and the answer to many many many many prayers.

I can not even count all the great adventures you have sent our way! California, pulled over on New Years Eve, darenight, movie nights, sick nights at BYU Creamery, monkey attacks in Logan, sleepovers, Vegas trips, ATTEMPTS at homework nights, seeing Paul Milsap, building forts in the front room to watch Disney movies, Chinese Sunday dinner night, dances and dance parties, illegal gambling, streaking on golf courses, summer drives through Zions, fires, Mav runs, basketball games, cruinsin with "Mini Coop Crew" and many many more. Like that time at Wal-Mart where the scary man kidnapped me when I was in the cart and she and the others hid from me while he wheeled me around. Littttttle scary!

I think of her whenever I hear songs like "My Life Would Suck Without You", "Dynamite" and OF COURSE "Gives You Hell!" I will never be able to thank you enough for sending her! Please help her to know how much I love her and how much she means to me!

Love, Chan

Monday, October 25, 2010

[Current] Soundtrack of my life...

I am the type of person that OBSESSES with music that "explains" what's going on in life at the moment! When I get new songs that just "click" with me, I will blast them continually. Sooo if you're in the mood for some new music, check some of these songs out because they are INCREDIBLE! **Slight disclaimer: they're more oriented towards the whole "life is kinda rough"/"getting rid of people" stage of life. aka a little more depressing perhaps. But they will make you feel great all the same :)

Little Miss...Sugarland
The Sky's the Limit...Jason Derulo

You Can't Break a Broken Heart...Kate Voegele
King of Anything...Sara Bareilles
Hold my Heart...Sara Bareilles
That's Beautiful to Me...Jaron and the Long Road to Love
Back to December...Taylor Swift
Near to You...Fine Frenzy
Begin Again...Colibie Cailat
I Was Here...Lady A
A LITTLE BIT STRONGER....Sara Evans (Definetly the fav: 37 plays in 12 hours)

And I got the new Taylor Swift CD at midnight along with other countless GIDDY college girls and even a few proud boys :) HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY reccomend it to every single person.

Somebody called me tonight worried about how life was. I loved how considerate they were but it made me kinda laugh. Don't get me wrong...even with my fairly downer posts lately, life is great ! I'm in a GREAT place for me right now :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Viewer Descretion is Advised

rape: any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon another person
an act of abuse; violation
to seize, take or carry off by force

A few years ago, I was almost raped. I was almost raped. The first time I was able to say this outloud, admitting it to myself, was 3 weeks after "that night." I drove myself up to the Y parking lot and repeated it over and over again while I sat there and cried for about 2 1/2 hours. I went through the details of that night countless times, trying to see why it happened and what I did wrong to have brought that upon myself.

When I was younger, I remember the school assemblies where they talked about rape and abuse and said how you should report it. They said that even if it happened, it wasn't your fault. I heard girls that had been victims before say that they felt embarrased. They didn't think people would believe them. They said how they were terrified. In my head, I laughed at them thinking that they were stupid. "I would never be that girl! If someone did me wrong like that, I would blow it into a HUGE deal and make sure I got justice for it." I didn't think much of it though because there was NO WAY that I would ever be one of "those" girls.

Wellllll......not even a year after my judgmental thoughts, I WAS one of "those" girls! I'd heard that most victims are attacked by someone that they are close to and I was no exception to that. It was somebody I was close to and trusted. He was somebody I felt safe with. To say that I was scared, is an understatement. I was literally paralyzed in fear! Even after that night, my whole life was "lived" in fear! I was scared to be alone. I was scared to take baths or shower. I couldn't even talk to boys. Even FOOTBALL had changed for me because it threw me into associations of that night. This fool had me so messed up that I second guessed everything and everyone in my life, even down to the point of my own DAD!

Senior year was almost here, and I slowly became more functional with people. Boys especially. At that point, I hadn't told anybody yet and had never felt more alone in my life. At girls camp one night, we had talked about how much God loved us and how we are his daughters. That hit me really hard! Not in the way you'd think though. It made me bitter. It made me even more confused. If God loved me sooooo much then why would he let this happen? ...There's no good that could have come from didn't make me a "better" person, it made me feel cheap and used and like I wasn't worth anything. Hanging around the fire with a couple close friends that night, we talked about what a cool program it had been and how they felt about it. That threw me into a moderate breakdown and that's the night that I first brought it up to anybody.

"The boys" of senior year saved me. They had no idea what had happened and what kind of things I was still going through, but they started to turn me around! They were good. They were nice to me. They didn't do anything to betray my trust. I slowllllllly started to trust boys again and allowed myself to feel safe around them. They were respectful, honored their priesthood and made me feel good about myself again. They helped build up my confidence again. I started to see self-worth in myself.

I guess in a way, I still have fear with me. I let it dominate my life in large ways sometimes. I'm not scared to be alone with guys, it's a different fear. It's a fear of getting hurt again. I had never felt so empty, worthless and broken. Even a hint towards words like "love" or "relationship" will have me RUNNING in the other direction! I realized yesterday that that's not okay with me anymore. This guy messed up and did me wrong in the worst way that he could have. He almost had complete power of me. I refuse to let him continue to have that power over me anymore. It's time for me to start dealing with it and work towards letting it go and moving on.

Yesterday and today I went to this thing at UVU called "Project Clothesline." It's where people that are victims of rape and abuse write on shirts that they hang up and display for people to walk through and read. They have a soundtrack of screams, gongs and bells going off that signifies when somebody is hit, raped and killed. Most people in there were so disturbed. A lot of them came and went really quickly. Some of the shirts re-told parts of their worst nightmare nights. Others were call outs to the guys. Some were peaceful and more on how they healed instead of still focusing on the bad. I loved those ones! I want to be that girl!

I guess that this is part of my attempt for that. Seeing those shirts yesterday was what finally gave me the courage to do something. Most people couldn't wait to get out, but I didn't want to leave! For the first time in YEARS I felt like I wasn't alone and that even though all of these people were totally random and annoymous, they knew what I felt. I sat in the chairs and watched a tape over and over for almost 2 hours, listening to the screams and bells and gongs and feeling totally comforted and "at home." Leaving, I realized that that was kinda sick. I wanted to be at REAL peace with it, without having to sit in a room surrounded by the hearache of other people. I told my mom today. I was terrified and was crying and couldn't even look at her, but I got it all out. It actually made me feel better. A few of my friends knew, but none of them have been there before and there's nothing they could say to make me feel better about myself or the situation. SO, I instead am turning to a therapist.

Hopefully reading this will give somebody else the "courage" to get help the way that those shirts helped me. Mine was 4-5 years ago and I'm just barely working on it. I went through every emotion in the book: fear, embarrasment, denial, anger, resentment and flat out depression. Pushing it away, hating that it happened but essentially ignoring it, doesn't do you any good. Eventually something will come up to trigger it and throw you back into the feelings of it again. That last blue shirt was my favorite one :)