graveyard gambles

Tonight is my second night in a row working a graveyard. In fact, today was a 16 hour shift.

Not exactly my favorite thing.

But I like to get a lot done and noc's are perfect for that.

Tonight: watched 4 episodes of "How I Met Your Mother", changed 7 people, painted toe nails, wrote in my journal, swept and mopped dining room and kitchen, deep cleaned the kitchen (down to the freakin toaster), 2 loads of laundry and started cooking for tomorrow.

And that's just since 11 pm.

No matter what I'm doing though, I hear her coughing and crying out.

Tonight is one of those nights where I have a hard time with death. A really rough time. I feel guilty for trying to avoid her son because I find myself nearly tearing up whenever he starts talking. It's 3 am and he's still here walking the halls; pacing and crying, pacing and crying, pacing and crying. He looks at me with empty eyes that are completly helpless. I say words like morphine, haldol, lorazapam and he just looks down rubbing his neck, and shaking his head. "Whatever you feel is best..." "What would you do?" "Just do what you think...." "I don't understand.." I feel like there is something slightly morbid about a twenty-one year old trying to decide how much medication to give a woman while she dies.

I think of Room 15. I think of how hard it was when he died. I remember breaking the cardinal rule and breaking down in front of his family. Telling him goodbye after his blessing of release. I remember the days where we sat and talked and he seemed to be fairly with it. I faintly ignored him and laughed when he talked about the guy I deserve and how I should never settle. I remember coming back the next day and finding EVERYTHING out of his room already gone. And crying again.

My least favorite day of my life was the first time I found a resident dead in her bed. It got that much worse when having to call the daughter and inform her that her mom had just passed away. "What do I say? How do I start that conversation?" She answered super cheerfully and I just went silent. She knew. I sat there speechless while she sobbed on the other end, asking what to do next.

The night my favorite got put into bed for the last time, was the last time she was lucid. Hillarie came in and we sat on the floor laughing at everything she said for almost an hour. Suddenly "the favorite" starting crying and driving the importance to make sure her family understood how proud she was. She couldn't stop telling us how much she loved them. When I handed her tissues she grabbed my hand and said "Make sure you tell them. Make sure they know I love them. You need to promise me Miss!" 13 hours later I found myself surrounded in the hallway telling 4 children and in-laws the conversation from the night before. 2 days later I got a call and shortly after found myself at work, doing post-mordem care.

Even when you know it's someone's time to go, it doesn't get easier.

For awhile it helps comfort you.

Whether it's hours, months, years, days or weeks...

You hear yourself talking about how good it'll be for them to finally be happy and peaceful.

But then that day comes and all of a sudden you don't care about what's best for them anymore.

You just miss them.

down that red dirt road

I am an incredibly deep sleeper. I sleep through EVERYTHING! When I was little, I had this best friend that used to not sleep at night because she was so worried that since I slept so deep, she wouldn't be able to get me out of the house if it caught on fire....

...18 years later, she's still my best friend..... ...there's not a day in my life, that she hasn't cared about ^^this crazy girl!

Brittany has always taken care of me! But especially when I first moved out. I was only 18 and was moving 300 miles away by myself but she had moved 215 miles away from Provo, making her a quick 30 minute drive away from my new home.

Although Jess helped me move my stuff, Britt drove me down to St. George (as seen above) when I officially moved there. But even 2 weeks before that, she let me, Nique, Vaughan, Meeks and Dewey stay at her house while 3 of us had orientation at Dixie. That night we ditched the boys and went on a drive through some of Cedar's dirt roads and outskirts and for the first time, I was able to completly open up about how weird it all felt, how scared I was and how I didn't know what to expect and how things were already changing with high school friends. We drove and blasted music and got McFlurry's and she made me feel so much better about such a life change.

That October, I was slightly depressed (or a lot) and was having a hard time so she offered to let me come and crash Halloween with her and her friends/roommates. And she picked me up. And she helped me with my costume. And she bought my ticket to the HOWL. And she helped me get ready. And she bought me dinner. And she let me stay at her house for two nights. And she once again made me feel better.

Spend even twenty minutes with Brittany and you'll know that fast that she is easily one of the most caring and loving people you will ever meet. She's incredibly genuine about it too!

Britt always takes the time to consider how things are going to make somebody feel or how it will affect them. She isn't selfish enough to ever just do something, knowing that it would have a negative affect for somebody else.

Last January, she started clinicals down in St. George on a regular basis. This meant that she would now be spending Sunday and Monday nights with me at my apartment. (Typically on the floor-what a trooper!) It was a blast! After being in China the previous fall, it was fun to be so close again and get to hang out on a fairly regular basis. Especially because for a couple months there, I had a lot going on and she was 1/4 of my only friends. (good times lol)

She remained there for me even after "hell month". When she came down she was typically freaking out about work loads, tests, clinicals and all the other crap that goes along with such a "prestigous and tedious program." Brittany has a way of stressing that I just don't understand. I slept through half of my ACT! So me being the happy-go-lucky, carefree twin, would insist that she leave her stuff until later and we go get dinner, go hot tubbing, shopping (matching sandals from Wal-Mart that we both STILL have over a year later!), basketball games...etc.

We had some great adventures down south! One night she stayed up waiting for me while I drove 12 mph through a white out blizzard. She came and picked me up (again) to drive to Beaver to meet my dad for my car. We drove home together multiple times. She freaked out when I once accidentally turned off the headlights on the freeway. And let's not forget that Wendy's in Filmore.... ???

Brittany put up with a lot at the end of her great college days. Like getting stuck with the bill at our moderatly pricey "birthday dinner"^^^ but she has definetly come a long ways! I can say without a doubt just from the papers and packets and books and tears and early mornings and days in the library and driving from Cedar to St. George twice a week and ridiculous facts to memorize and hard days and tough clinicals that I have been a part of, she has earned where she is now!

CONGRATULATIONS TWIN! You truly are my best friend and I can not think of my own college life, without thinking about you! Nobody could be more deserving than you! And you are going to do GREAT!

I hope they call me on a mission...

Yes, this was me at least four times yesterday. Checking the mailbox has become a regular routine. So much that I have hijacked the keys and put it on my own keyring. Most bizarre feelings to be waiting for a mission call.

dia de me madre

To the mom that went to everyone of my volleyball and basketball games for over 7 years.

To the mom that woke me up everyday to make sure I made it to school.

To the mom that woke herself up everyday to make breakfast for us.

To the mom that made me to go church for all 18 years before moving out.

To the mom that was always home for dinner.

To the mom that is the most die-hard BYU fan I have ever met.

To the mom that stayed up all night while 4 of the 5 kids were throwing up.

To the mom that has been my number one fan my whole life.

To the mom that has believed in me and made me believe in myself.

To the mom that has stood behind me through all of my crazy plans and antics and lifestyles and travels no matter what.

To the mom that taught me the importance of self-confidence and standing up for myself.

To the mom that I love and owe so much to...

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

late as usual!

April 23rd is a special day

It's mom and dad's ann-i-ver-sar-y!

Happy anniversary! Happy anniversary!

Ha-have a happy anni-ver-sary!

(you should have heard when we sang it)

My parents marriage has always been "different" to me. Growing up, about 90% of my friends parents were divorced or it wasn't uncommon to hear them fighting or arguing or bashing on each other. I never saw that with my parents. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that I realized just how truly amazing my parents love for each other is: they're a team ALWAYS! Whether 'punishing' us, deciding if we can hang out that weekend, where to vacation, or big things like moving us to Provo, they always decide it together. Gender roles? Non-existent. I've grown up watching my dad change my brothers (and now niece and nephew) diapers, attempt to put my hair in a ponytail and help my mom clean the house and wash dishes. They support each other. They both have had some hefty callings of Bishop (twice), Relief Society Presidency, Young Womens Presidency and yearsssss of endless scout camps to name a few.

They have taught me about true love! In the past years when I didn't believe in/wanted nothing to do with marriage, it was always their example towards each other that kept some flicker of hope for me. I don't remember them fighting even once! They make each other laugh. My dad kisses my mom when he gets home from work. She starts crying and instantly their hands find each other. They were always "unified" in their decisions. They've shown through example how important the Church is.

I love the way they treat each other and how much their marriage really means to me.

HAPPY THIRTY YEARS TOGETHER!

shoutout!

Apparantly I have this thing with crying in laundry rooms. Sad, but true.

Especially if it's April.

Back in April 2009, Ericka, Hill and I went down to switch over laundry and play a little air hockey. With a totally random call from my brother, I ran outside to talk to him for a minute while they continued to play. As I walked inside I "looked like a ghost" and both of them could tell something was wrong. Then came the water works! Like 40 minutes of them...

April 2011 I left work to go to a meeting with my Bishop. Luckily I was working with one of my besties that night so it wasn't a huge deal. When I came back, my mind and everything was going crazy so I headed straight to the laundry room, hoping that a lack of human interaction would help me keep my emotions together for a little bit.

Then Miss Kim came walking in. She simply folded her arms, leaned against the counter and asked "How did it go?" Then came the water works! (Something about the smell of clean laundry and the comforting warm air just makes me fall apart I guess) She gave me a hug and stood there listening to my rambling and sobbing and freaking out and swearing and doubts and excitement and just cried with me. Then she gave me all the re-assurance and love that I needed right then.

Kim is a blast to work with! With the exception of my sister, she was the first person I interacted with at my new job and I love her to death. She's kind of on the sister level at this point. She answered her phone all 14 times that I called her trying to find the Lindon Los Hermanos when I was across the street from Hale Center Theatre. She leaves me notes...everywhere. She listens to my venting and raving no matter what the subject. She covers for me. She trades me shifts. She doesn't always let her husband make fun of me. We listen to the same music and take pictures and 45 minutes to clean up dinner because we start laughing at things and get so caught up in talking. She goes into nurse mode and gives me awkward medical opinions/advice. Unlike Hil, she doesn't spray me with the kitchen hose. She doesn't get mad when I send her TMI texts in the middle of the night and makes fun of me for months afterward. She has been the MOST supportive and re-assuring person since I decided to go on a mission...

THANK YOU!
It has seriously meant the world to me!

joy in the journey

Almost 3 years ago, I graduated from high school. High school was a blast for me! Loved every minute of it! Senior year, I was the class president and student government was amazing, but it stressed me out beyond belief. Especially at the end of the year when I found myself coming home from Hawaii and finishing graduation credits, senior ball and graduation plans. Hectic does not begin to describe my life! I stopped focusing on friends and how much fun I was having and what a great experience I'd had, and bought into everybody else's mindset of "OH MY GOSH I CAN NOT WAIT TO BE DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL!" After giving my speech, reading names, walking and tossing our caps I turned to our principal and said " I am so happy to finally be out of here." That was a lie. But I felt like I should have been because that's how everybody else felt.
3 months after that great day, I found myself packing up my clothes, book, DVD's, bedding, pictures, hopes and dreams and ambitions and moving 300 miles away from the town, people and experiences that I knew and loved. I told everyone that I was ready for change and adventure! I was the only way that had left home after college and I was learning firsthand and alone just what it meant to grow up. I spent August-Novemember depressed and lonely and sleeping more in a week than I did in a month during high school. I regretted wishing my time away.

To make a long and painful story short, things finally changed right before Thanksgiving break and I vowed to never let myself go back to those 4 awful months. It's a part of who I am to find laughter and good in almost everything that comes my way. In 10th grade I remember lashing out at a teacher..."Why do we never get to just enjoy the stage that we're in?!" In elementary we are slowly shorted on our recess time to get ready for junior high where we don't have any. In junior high we get ready for high school with taking more notes and teachers not going as slow. In high school we are not allowed to turn things in late to get ready for college days where professors don't care about our sob stories. In college we are pushed continually to get ready for "real life" bosses that "can't wait to give us a reality check that life isn't just fun and games."

This has always bothered me and I don't buy it anymore. It makes me sad to see people constantly wishing their time away in so many aspects because it's hard or they can't wait to get on to something better. Why? We were so ready to get out of high school on to college only to find ourselves (or some of us at least) stuck with rent and tuition and having to cook for ourselves and heavy workloads and awful deadlines. We want to get out of college and on to the real world, even though I'm pretty sure many people wish they could return to the careless ways of college-fun-days. Rushing to get married? Wanting babies to grow up only to find the classic question of "Where did time go" as they get married or leave on missions.

Stop counting the days, and start making the days count! ENJOY THE NOW! I have had a beyond crazy semester and am incredibly ready for finals to be over with. But I have loved every step of the way. I loved the days that we sat in Rauj (aka Dr. Blomquist) class making a tally for how many times he swore that lecture..I looked forward to dark room days where we placed bets on who's film wouldn't turn out and pizza runs on our 3 hour lecture days..I did not get kicked out of the library. Not even once..We went to dances...Roadtrips 3 hours away with dad for a 10 point paper..I almost peed my pants in math when Josh fell asleep and bounced his head off his desk..I made friends with strangers in my classes..I almost cried when I open my history midterm and realized I had no idea what anything was on the test, but felt better that I wasn't the one that got up and left without even trying..I laughed as we burned analytical reviews on Nathan's stove while we made brownies..I spent over 200 bucks on photo supplies and wish I'd spent more...I stayed in lab for 7 hours to walk outside and find myself in a snow ball fight..

Graduation is an amazing accomplishment and should never be thought of as anything less but why rush it? You'll NEVER ever ever get to go back to this stage of life so enjoy for it now and soak up all of it that you can. Live. with. no. regrets.

Here's to Spring 2011 semester!

it was a good one

this week

April 21st-May 1st is going to be a glorious time! For starters, I am getting my hair done tomorrow for the first time since January. Yes, that would be 4 months! New record? I think yes. My nails will finally be painted. MY FINALS WILL BE DONE! My hand will no longer smell like fixer or developer. I am going to enjoy the room and bathroom that I spent 3 hours cleaning (probably even take a bath with the jets on). I am getting a schedule change at work. I am planning a mini roadtrip. I am making my FUN "to do" list for the summer. I am going to start reading my choice of books. I am going to burn my past homework. I am going to play tennis with Scott and dinner with Dave. I am going to sleep more than 4 hours a night. I am going to go on a walk. I am going to say goodbye to my new Rockstar Recovery addiction. I am going to start washing my hair more than once a week.
I am going to see this boy :) Jon Hammond is finally returning to Utah tomorrow and I freakin can not wait. I was way excited to go to the airport...until I realized it'd be kinda weird and that I have finals. So tomorrow night it is :) Bring on a roadtrip and Wendy's runs!

This girl has also returned back to Utah! My China buddy and good friend I have missed so much. We probably won't be staying in a trafficking hotel, hopping on any random buses or gagging over "nasty tofu" smells in a market. We likely won't be hauling water up 5 flights of stairs. We definetly won't be singing Mulan songs along the Great Wall of China...but we will definetly be having a blast and doing some serious catch up!

I'm gonna finally write the brother that I miss mucho. Yes I'm a bad sister and haven't writtten him for awhile. In particular, it's probably time he know about the mission plans. Mexico is lucky to have him :)

I remembered this week why I didn't do finals in St. George....holy hell! And no mom, I'm not using it as my typical expression, it literally is hell to have all that stress and lists of what to get done and no personal time whatsoever. But it's such an accomplished feeling. Still not worth it though.

blah

Ted is the Mav man that I see on nearly a daily basis for my drink and chip fix. It's safe to say we're pretty good friends!

Ted: "Oooooh girl! You're getting juice?!"
Me: "(laughing) Yep! It has come that time again."

Ted: "No Mt. Dew at all? Not even a little one?"

Me: "Nope. Just cranberry and apple for me today."

Ted:"....you did it again didn't you? Too much go and not enough slow? You're getting sick again. I TOLD YOU you need to slow your life down."

Who needs a doctor when you've got a mav man?! Funny that he's right though. The last 2 weeks have been straight up crazy! I worked a LOT and then spent every other waking minute (which definetly out weighed the sleeping minutes) doing homework and various school crap. I poured it on last week, crossing stuff off the to-do list like crazy so I could take my little vaca to St. George. And of course....played ALLLL weekend! So naturally when I woke up today, there was a little man hammering at the inside of my skull behind my eyes, a tennis ball stuck in my throat, my eyelids were glued shut and someone had beat me with a bat while I slept! .....okay maybe not, but that's definetly what it felt like. Once I discovered it was raining, it was pretty near impossible to get out of bed.

Happy Monday? probably not so much this time. But it was definetly worth it:)

to-do and be done

Only Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and 12 hours and:

-Calling Dr. Holmes

-Calling Dr. Marshall

-Email Jonny boy

-Write Taylor

-Meeting with bishop

-3 days of work

-7 hours in photo lab

-4 pictures fully mounted and critiqued

-Math assignment "checked" email

-5 math assignments for the week (not to count catch up)

-Library appeal form

-Cove Fort books

-Mounain Meadow Massacre books

-First (yes first) 10 anatomy/physiology quizes

-Pick up take home test for math

-Plan out bill payments schedule

-Type and print history notes

-History flashcards

-Develope 4 rolls of film and do contact sheets

-1 month (yes month) of laundry

-Clean out car

-Clean bathroom

-Book analytical paper

-Research paper

BUT THEN....

I'm off to my favorite little San Jorge for the weekend! So here's to a week of complete lockdown and finally finally finally cracking down on a real to do list (because this isn't even everything I have to do by end of semester) and then a few days off to play with friends and defrost in that sunshine! :)

And of course I always go down by myself so I have a good 2 1/2 hours of blasting music, singing at the top of my lungs with the windows down...who says therapy isn't cheap?!

I. Can. Not. Wait.

and in case you didn't hear...I AM going on a mission. So don't judge me when I start sluttin it up as soon as it's warm cause my days of freedom are starting to count down already!