power of music

July 10th there was a mix up at work that made me and another girl double scheduled. Essentially we had 4 girls when only 2 had to be there. I was quick enough to be the first to dibs going home. I was having a crazy week (nothing unusual) and the last place I wanted to be was work. I decided to run by my mom's for dinner and on the way there I got a text about Sherrie Dew speaking for our stake relief society that night. As much as I wanted to just hit the sweats and couch with finally a night off, I booked it back to my apartment to change after dinner, picked up my mom and sister and headed to the church.

You know those times where after you leave, you understand why you were supposed to go? This was one of those times. I'd kept walls up all day and even that night but at the end there was a musical number that melted my insides, so to speak. Beautiful song+emotions on edge+violin playing along made for a small melt down. I stepped out into the hall and half listened to it, half tried to regain composure. I looked it up after I got home though and I love it! I strongly reccomend you take a listen. I don't know how to upload the video on this so if it doesn't work check "Daughter of a King" on youtube.

http://youtu.be/fUSIZ_EjLm8

Jenn Youd

It has become apparent to me very quickly why Jenn came into my life when she did. Like others, she is one of my roommates that has blessed my life and made an impact on me. I love this girl! She's been there for me through all of my chaos this last little while and I doubt she knows how needed and appreciated it was. When I couldn't stop crying and nobody knew what to say, she just came and sat on my floor so I wasn't alone. She didn't feed me the "it'll get better" "for the best" "I'm so sorry" stuff that she knew I didn't want to hear, she was just there. She's somebody that's been in similar situations as me. She's somebody easy to talk to. She's somebody I trust. She's somebody that I am incredibly grateful for :)

Elder Olsen

Remember this boy?

He's still doing a great job on his mission! I love to hear from him and it's obviously a given that our whole family is anxious for mom to forward his emails on to us each Monday afternoon. The last few weeks I've been lucky enought to get fairly longer, personal emails from him and it has me missing him pretty bad!

I can't believe how grown up he is! (And DARK!) It's amazing to me that he's only been gone since January because already you can hear how he's changed and grown up and had great experiences I'm sure! It's exciting to think of just how far he'll go by the time he comes home.

He's admitted several times that he is more like his sisters than he thought with his sudden love in taking pictures! And even requested that we need to send more..."this is a one way road and i feel like it shouldn't be."

I found myself at USANA last week and it brought back a lot of memories from when the two of us went to Mr. Tim McGraw last year. With some instances since there, I hear his voice in my head occasionaly and just laugh. "Your mom!" "Are you kidding me?!" and whenever I'm on UVU campus I literally laugh out loud sometimes thinking of all his "guy chats" he gave me and advice on how to develope a "gay-dar" and to keep the jerks away.

But even with missing him lately, I couldn't be more proud or happy for him! I know that he's being blessed in countless ways. He never ceases to amaze me. The last two weeks he's had me in tears with some of the things he says (not like that's been hard) and I've been reminded how even though I'm older, I'm so grateful for his amazing example and the incredible person that he is! I think in most ways, he really is the older sibling and I'm happy I have someone so great to look up to! Love him to death and I'm glad he reminded me that "at least now we'll still get to talk at Christmas"

graveyard

I'm pretty stoked to say that depression stage is officially over :) Halle-freakin-lujah! (Or however you spell it) Tough tough tough times there for awhile but I think it's safe to say that the worst is over for now. I realized this week that there's a lot of things I LOVE that I'd kinda forgotten about in my self-pity, wallowing phase of the summer. I had a couple REALLY good wake up calls that were good for getting my life back on track a little bit and me back to being me.

These are a few of my favorite things:

back rubs

sunsets

hiking (especially by myself)

new music on itunes

driving really fast

being inside wearing sweats during the rain

Tanner bringing over Magelby's breakfast

concerts

cowboys at the rodeos

dressing up

reading conference talks

laughing so hard I spit my frosty everywhere

funny texts

random road trip with Drew

almost all the missionary's coming home

watching my friends do well

Mt. Dew never fails me

boating with the Logan Ladies

waking up and being so comfortable I don't move

sunglasses and windows down

Jaxon when he laughs really hard

I have a TON to catch up on with everything that's happened lately. Life is moving faster than ever before and it's nearly impossible to stay caught up on everything. Right now I'm just taking everything in the best I can and am working at getting back on track in life. For now...life is good :)

for those who have asked....

I found a really good quote from (my favorite) Elder Holland. It pretty much sums up my life right now...

If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort.

If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope.

If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened.

If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.

I still cry almost everyday. I tune out for at least 80% of what people say when they talk to me, cause it's impossible to focus on anything. I'm caught in an awful limbo between not wanting to see anybody but not wanting to be alone. I blast music and sing ALL the time to try and drown out the voices in my head. I wish I could pay somebody to turn my mind off at night. And even during the day. I'm sick of people asking what I'm going to do next. "Try to find the second best option for life? Yeah..I'll probably do that."

I know I'll be back to myself eventually. Depressed right now? Yep. But sometimes that's just a part of life. I feel 90x better than I did a week ago so it's just kinda a waiting game.

Turns out chopping my hair off didn't help me feel much better either...

Briezy B

"comfort" "empathy" "understanding" "friend" "genuine" "sincere"

These words have changed a lot to me over the years. Some days I hate facebook and blogging with a passion. I hate that somebody doesn't even have to have a conversation with you, or even see you and yet they can still know what's going on in your life. Good thing we have status updates and pictures...I won't ever have to plan a reunion because everything I need to know from somebody I can find by hanging around their page for an hour and be set to go. No conversation needed.

And yet we continue to do it. Because sometimes no matter how pathetic or lame it is, it's nice to know that at least somebody has an idea of what's going on for us. Whether we're frustrated and annoyed or not...sometimes that's enough.

I had an "accidental" run-in with this girl this week. Just what I needed! This time last year we were living together in Geezy and having so much fun! I love Brie with all my heart. We were hands down supposed to live with each other and I'm so happy she came into my life the time/way that she did. She redefined all of these words for me. You know those people that you think back on and know they were a "turning point" for you? Brie Gutzman was easily one of them.

Thanks for still listening and making me feel better! And for caring because you care..not because you heard or saw something or wanted to be on the "in".

"You da you da BEST!"

Dear ol' Dad

For all the things you said and did that made me such a lucky kid..

the working hard..the taking care...for being strong and being there.

For all the things that helped me grow: the staying close, the letting go..

the honesty and humor too..for being real and being you.

For all your love, the gifts you give, the man you are, the life you live.

For all these things and so much more, you're the dad I'm thankful for!

I'm thankful for all those lessons of "tough love" in high school. I'm thankful that you always made it to EVERY one of my basketball and volleyball games, even when you had to leave work early. I'm thankful for you teaching me how to drive stick and shoot a basket. I'm thankful that you're a worthy priesthood holder and have been on hand for blessings my whole life. I'm thankful I grew up watching you help with dishes and diapers. I'm thankful for those times you made me grow up slowly. I'm thankful for those very very rare times we see you cry. I'm thankful for you demanding I have high standards, even when I wasn't too interested in it. I'm thankful for that day I called you in St. George and you just listened and let me cry. I'm thankful for that little chuckle and brings perspective back to my "freakouts." I'm thankful for those nights I'd sleep better just knowing that you were home from a business trip, feeling so safe again. I'm thankful for you teaching me the true meaning of hard work. I'm thankful for you raising my brothers to be such great boys! I'm thankful that you've taught me by example how to get through hard times. I'm thankful that you taught me you need to roll with the punches. I'm thankful that you taught me the true meaning of faith. I'm thankful that you have never given up on me and have always made me feel loved.

I LOVE YOU DAD!

happy fathers day

best.roomie.ever

Ericka Shantel Ahleen
She was my first roommate
Ever.
She was my first friend in St. George
She changed my life
She took me into her family and let me become one of them
I was there for Sunday dinners, Easter and randomly in the middle of the night
I was always invited to birthday dinners

I took my first trip to Mesquite with her
She won a free bingo game and stamps
I bowled
And met the China man

She woke me up for class
Every. morning.
Even when I tried really hard to pretend to be asleep

She laughed when she came home and I was still watching TV in the front room
Most likely Grey's or Law and Order

She knew when I got depression and was right there for me
Even though at that point we were still "just roommates"

She was always down to do random and funny things with me
Even if she did leave me in the window alone when our boys walked by...

She let me borrow her laptop every day before I had my own

She took me camping and introduced me to her friends
And then WE became friends

We stayed up laughing alllll night, multiple times a week

She was always nice to people
(Minus the 3 weeks we ding-dong ditched the paranoid girls that lived above us)
But oh so worth it!

She helped me ease from "I miss high school and my friends" to "WOW college can be way fun and make new friends"
Including but now limited to Jonathon Sherman Tate
"Okay...you can just call me Channy!"

She ran to the side of my slow walk when we went to spanish
And didn't get mad when I slept in and she had to work with creeper boy

She's always been my partner in crime and by my side for everything

She's open to trying new things and keeps an open mind in general in life

Life with Er consisted of many water fights, wrestling matches, food fights and hot tub runs

We lived life how we wanted
We had fun
We didn't sweat the small stuff

Baby Mama, Just Friends, House Bunny
Always classics

We built forts and burnt wishes
And somehow didn't burn our apartment down

We had the BEST night of my whole life with Dare Night
D2 trumps E2
Always.

California with Mr. Rodgers and the Mutes
and hell on earth with the Jazz jersey in a Lakers bed

Countless bonfires
No one ever caught on fire
And lots of "sex with Dex" ;)
Easy access
Clifford killings

It just needs to be said again...
D2 TRUMPS E2

Crying saying goodbye for China
Crying while we sat on my bed
Crying when she got engagd
Crying when parents had stuff come up
Crying as life threw curves
Crying when life changed

Burnt pizza roles
2 blow dryers to get ready faster
Cheryl
Kum-By-Ya
Forbidden footage
Kidnappings at Wal-Mart
Ster Bear
Er Bear
CRAZY CRAZY Britt ;)
Cruisin in Vicky or Mafia Mobile

Er and I had SO much fun! And I know without a doubt that she was supposed to come into my life right as she did. For as much fun as we had, we had a lot of rough times too and she helped me through PILES of stuff. I will never be able to thank her enough for that.
Dear Er: I know you have a lot going on and probably one of the hardest trials so far, but know that I love you to death and you aren't alone in any of this. Thanks for being one of my best friends and changing my life the way that you have. Long live CHER!

graveyard gambles

Tonight is my second night in a row working a graveyard. In fact, today was a 16 hour shift.

Not exactly my favorite thing.

But I like to get a lot done and noc's are perfect for that.

Tonight: watched 4 episodes of "How I Met Your Mother", changed 7 people, painted toe nails, wrote in my journal, swept and mopped dining room and kitchen, deep cleaned the kitchen (down to the freakin toaster), 2 loads of laundry and started cooking for tomorrow.

And that's just since 11 pm.

No matter what I'm doing though, I hear her coughing and crying out.

Tonight is one of those nights where I have a hard time with death. A really rough time. I feel guilty for trying to avoid her son because I find myself nearly tearing up whenever he starts talking. It's 3 am and he's still here walking the halls; pacing and crying, pacing and crying, pacing and crying. He looks at me with empty eyes that are completly helpless. I say words like morphine, haldol, lorazapam and he just looks down rubbing his neck, and shaking his head. "Whatever you feel is best..." "What would you do?" "Just do what you think...." "I don't understand.." I feel like there is something slightly morbid about a twenty-one year old trying to decide how much medication to give a woman while she dies.

I think of Room 15. I think of how hard it was when he died. I remember breaking the cardinal rule and breaking down in front of his family. Telling him goodbye after his blessing of release. I remember the days where we sat and talked and he seemed to be fairly with it. I faintly ignored him and laughed when he talked about the guy I deserve and how I should never settle. I remember coming back the next day and finding EVERYTHING out of his room already gone. And crying again.

My least favorite day of my life was the first time I found a resident dead in her bed. It got that much worse when having to call the daughter and inform her that her mom had just passed away. "What do I say? How do I start that conversation?" She answered super cheerfully and I just went silent. She knew. I sat there speechless while she sobbed on the other end, asking what to do next.

The night my favorite got put into bed for the last time, was the last time she was lucid. Hillarie came in and we sat on the floor laughing at everything she said for almost an hour. Suddenly "the favorite" starting crying and driving the importance to make sure her family understood how proud she was. She couldn't stop telling us how much she loved them. When I handed her tissues she grabbed my hand and said "Make sure you tell them. Make sure they know I love them. You need to promise me Miss!" 13 hours later I found myself surrounded in the hallway telling 4 children and in-laws the conversation from the night before. 2 days later I got a call and shortly after found myself at work, doing post-mordem care.

Even when you know it's someone's time to go, it doesn't get easier.

For awhile it helps comfort you.

Whether it's hours, months, years, days or weeks...

You hear yourself talking about how good it'll be for them to finally be happy and peaceful.

But then that day comes and all of a sudden you don't care about what's best for them anymore.

You just miss them.

down that red dirt road

I am an incredibly deep sleeper. I sleep through EVERYTHING! When I was little, I had this best friend that used to not sleep at night because she was so worried that since I slept so deep, she wouldn't be able to get me out of the house if it caught on fire....

...18 years later, she's still my best friend..... ...there's not a day in my life, that she hasn't cared about ^^this crazy girl!

Brittany has always taken care of me! But especially when I first moved out. I was only 18 and was moving 300 miles away by myself but she had moved 215 miles away from Provo, making her a quick 30 minute drive away from my new home.

Although Jess helped me move my stuff, Britt drove me down to St. George (as seen above) when I officially moved there. But even 2 weeks before that, she let me, Nique, Vaughan, Meeks and Dewey stay at her house while 3 of us had orientation at Dixie. That night we ditched the boys and went on a drive through some of Cedar's dirt roads and outskirts and for the first time, I was able to completly open up about how weird it all felt, how scared I was and how I didn't know what to expect and how things were already changing with high school friends. We drove and blasted music and got McFlurry's and she made me feel so much better about such a life change.

That October, I was slightly depressed (or a lot) and was having a hard time so she offered to let me come and crash Halloween with her and her friends/roommates. And she picked me up. And she helped me with my costume. And she bought my ticket to the HOWL. And she helped me get ready. And she bought me dinner. And she let me stay at her house for two nights. And she once again made me feel better.

Spend even twenty minutes with Brittany and you'll know that fast that she is easily one of the most caring and loving people you will ever meet. She's incredibly genuine about it too!

Britt always takes the time to consider how things are going to make somebody feel or how it will affect them. She isn't selfish enough to ever just do something, knowing that it would have a negative affect for somebody else.

Last January, she started clinicals down in St. George on a regular basis. This meant that she would now be spending Sunday and Monday nights with me at my apartment. (Typically on the floor-what a trooper!) It was a blast! After being in China the previous fall, it was fun to be so close again and get to hang out on a fairly regular basis. Especially because for a couple months there, I had a lot going on and she was 1/4 of my only friends. (good times lol)

She remained there for me even after "hell month". When she came down she was typically freaking out about work loads, tests, clinicals and all the other crap that goes along with such a "prestigous and tedious program." Brittany has a way of stressing that I just don't understand. I slept through half of my ACT! So me being the happy-go-lucky, carefree twin, would insist that she leave her stuff until later and we go get dinner, go hot tubbing, shopping (matching sandals from Wal-Mart that we both STILL have over a year later!), basketball games...etc.

We had some great adventures down south! One night she stayed up waiting for me while I drove 12 mph through a white out blizzard. She came and picked me up (again) to drive to Beaver to meet my dad for my car. We drove home together multiple times. She freaked out when I once accidentally turned off the headlights on the freeway. And let's not forget that Wendy's in Filmore.... ???

Brittany put up with a lot at the end of her great college days. Like getting stuck with the bill at our moderatly pricey "birthday dinner"^^^ but she has definetly come a long ways! I can say without a doubt just from the papers and packets and books and tears and early mornings and days in the library and driving from Cedar to St. George twice a week and ridiculous facts to memorize and hard days and tough clinicals that I have been a part of, she has earned where she is now!

CONGRATULATIONS TWIN! You truly are my best friend and I can not think of my own college life, without thinking about you! Nobody could be more deserving than you! And you are going to do GREAT!