a personal glimpse in

"People change so that you learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

"Don't worry about the people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."

Both of these quotes are something I struggle with A LOT! A lot more than I'd care to admit actually. To say that I'm an attached person would be an understatement. People have always been the #1 thing in my life and have (and will) take priority over anything else. I'd like to think that no matter what or when, I am always there for the people that I care about. Sometimes even the people that I DON'T care about.

As part of being attached, I also am easily impacted by people. Yearsssss down the road I can still remember little things that people said or did. I love having pictures with people. I love getting inside jokes. I love hanging out, even if we're just sitting there or driving around listening to music. I love having somebody that I can always go to. I love when I look at somebody and we crack up laughing because we know we're thinking the same thing. I love when I hear a song on the radio and I smile to think of somebody.

I hate it more than anything in the world when relationships go bad. If they naturally drift apart, I still struggle, but nothing is worse than bad "blowups" where things end awkward and there's suddenly a constant river of hurt feelings between you. I hate it so much, that it's typically impossible for me to ever stop trying to fix things. I refuse to accept that somebody who once meant the WORLD to me, could one day feel like a stranger.

To say I've had some struggles the last 6 months would ALSO be an understatement. For the first time in my whole life, I was finally able to at least moderatly "cut people out" of my life. Not even 1, but a small group even. It. Was. Awful. So awful in fact that one day as I was getting ready for work, I caved out of no where and sat on my bathroom floor BAWLING so hard that I proceeded to throw up 4 or 5 times. That was the first time I'd felt my heart honestly break and I didn't know what to do. At the time, it felt like life was ending in a small way. In fact that whole week, I was pretty sure I was honestly going to die because I'd never had those feelings and never hurt so bad. It's not something I'd wish on even an enemy.

As hard as it was, I learned a very important lesson that day. After I cleaned myself up and let the swelling in my face go down a little bit, I went into work. I was late but I still went. People still needed to be fed and put to bed. When I got out of work, the sun had gone down. When I woke up the next morning, the sun still came up. LIFE STILL WENT ON. I knew that things would never be the same. I knew I couldn't trust them or count on them and that for the time being, our frienships were over. For the first time in my life, I realized that life really could go on after cutting people out. Especially if the people treat me crappy and make me feel bad. It was hard, but it was possible.

Since that horrendus week, I have never been better. I have been so much more of myself. I feel GOOD about myself and know that I'm worth something and worth standing up for. I have a genuine self confidence. I know that the friends I have are great. Do I have a wall around my heart, comparable to the Great Wall of China? You bet I do! But the important thing is that I'm working on it and I'm slowly starting to let people in again.

I'm not sure why I felt that I needed to post this but for some reason I did. It's something that has been on my mind A LOTTTTT lately and pretty much the story of my last 6 months. It's hard and I'd never want to go through it again. As much as I miss the way things used to be, I still wouldn't trade where I am now to go back to them. Do I think about them all the time? Yes. Do I wish that I could still call or text them anytime? You bet. Do I wish that they'd still come and surprise me at midnight on random nights? Of course. Do I wish that I felt like I could trust them? Uhhh yeah. Do I get way sad thinking about how much they know about me and who they spread that information to? Absoultly. Do I regret being friends with them for as long as I was and the memories we had? Not for a second.

Moral of the story?...

"People change and things go wrong...but always remember LIFE GOES ON"

Little Brother...Class of 2010

Dear Brother of mine, how do I put into words?

Of how much you mean to me, and what you are worth?

You've come a long way and you've been through a lot

Today, for your graduation, let me give it a shot...

When we were young our tempers and hands freely flew

We'd beat til we both were all black and blue

Mom couldn't wait for that phase to soon die

Let me apolagize now for I may start to cry!

You're one of the best as we've already known

These past 18 years really have flown!

From elementary, to middle and finally high school

You've become a great man! No longer a fool!

You are kind, you are patient

And of course also tall

I was astounded at your sportsmanship

While watching you play ball

You take care of Kezy and watch out for Tan-Man

And learned that the family is your greatest of fans

You're responsible and trustworthy and efficient too

Mom will no longer fight you to buy new school shoes!

Of course it wasn't easy and sometimes straight up hard

I'm sure you had moments where you wanted to quite

But you always stuck through it

And even txtracted a little quick wit

You're supposed to be younger but I really don't see it

You are the greatest exampleI have in my life

You're never without a smile and faith

No matter how large or scary your strife

You honor your priesthood and fight to stay worthy

You're an example to all whether you know it or not

You do what is right

Even in times you wouldn't get caught

Never be afraid of hard

And don't forget to pray

When you don't know where else to go,

I'm always a phone call away

Welcome to real life! Let the party begin

You'll laugh and you'll cry and you'll have tons of fun

Dear Brother, I love you

Times infinity and plus one

HE DID IT! And I couldn't be more proud and excited for him....CONGRATTTTTTS!

~!~!~!~!

Want to know a weird feeling? When you're baby brother turns 16! I don't know why but it's really just tripping me out for some reason! Happy late one Tan since it was back in May...better late than never though! These are the top 16 things I love about this guy:
1: He is the ONLY one who remembers when he opened the fridge and all the food flew out
2: He's an amazing dancer
3: Ever seen him with Keznee? It will melt your heart "Yeah she grabs me by the hair to suck on my nose but as long as I get a turn to hold her I don't really care"
4: He once believed Utah was in a war with Idaho over potatoes :)
5: If you ever want to play a game, CALL THIS BOY! Doesn't matter time, place, game....anything! He alwaysssss wants to play
6: Tanner stands by the Colts his Lakers NO MATTER WHAT
7: His whole life he would be the poorest of the kids but he was the first to offer to lend or give money to us
8: He's quite possibly one of the most patient people that I know
9: He goes along with his sisters obbsessive compulsive picture taking
10: He ALWAYS turns down my music when I drive him anywherrrrrre "I think it's loud enough already"
11: It is pretty close to impossible for him to ever hold a grudge
12: He's a great sport and puts up with a LOT of crap before he gets legitamately upset
13: He has always been our "go to" man. Need money? Want something from the kitchen? Carrying something heavy? Craving a back rub? Go to Tanner and he will always help out
14: Sneaky T! In high school he always knew what was going on with all of my friends
15: He's always done such a good job honoring his priesthood
16: His little phrases: "Happy are we!" "wellllll that wasn't very kind!" "And how are we today?" "I'm sorry how are you? I didn't even say hi yet"

lad-da-da

WOOOOW! So it's definetly been a while since I've blogged! I personally blame my journal and missionary friends. I've been trying to get back into writing there and so by the time I finish with those I'm pretty much done! HOWEVER! I do have a lot that I want to blog about too. I'll try that after working my crazy 8 hours at work today :(

For now just know that my head is spinning with options, life is confusing, I'm exhuasted, overworked, underpaid, tan, confused and full of secrets. But I am soooo HAPPY! :) Have a greaaaat summer day!

Dear Ash:
I'm sorry that this is so late! I know that your birthday was back on May 28th, but I'm a natural procrastinator and things have been crazy! HAPPY 26th! Wow! I still remember when you turned 16! Like killing the deer on your way to drivers ed? ;)

I think that you're an incredible person! I know that we've not always been the closest of sisters but you should know that I really do look up to you A LOT! You are such a huge example in my life!

You are such a great mom to Kezy and your relationship with Jake has had a huge impact on me. Thank you for setting the example of what kind of guy to marry. Thanks for all the "older sister advice" you've given me! I always laugh when I think of that day I went to your work party with you and you said "There's nothing wrong with tanktops and short shorts. BUT you can't wear them together! That's when you look like a slut." :) Thank you for never getting mad at me for the late night calls and texts. Thanks for always covering me when I forgot my wallet or didn't have money but didn't want to be left out. Which we all know was a loooooooot!

Your example of faith astounds me. I have so respect for you for the way that you've handled and dealt with everything that's been thrown your way. I honestly don't know how you do it! You're incredible!

Thanks for being patient with me in every aspect. I know that we haven't always been way close but I'm so happy that we are now and that you're in my life so much more.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know that it will probably be a tough year but have fun and enjoy it too. Know that I'm here for you if you ever need anything and know that I love you a ton! MUAH!

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS RONI!"

20 years ago on May 18th, Veronica D. Uata came into this world! HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY GREATEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

I met Roni in 8th grade and as I watched her yell at a crying BOY, I was instantly scared of her! 2 years later I became good friends with her sister Dom and was able to "re-meet" Veronica and she's been one of my best friends ever since.

What's to love about Roni? Where to begin?! But the first thing that I think of when I think of Roni, is loyalty. She will have your back, NO MATTER WHAT! She stands up for her friends and defends them through everything. Veronica has been there for me through thick and DEFINETLY thin! I can't even count how many times I've called or gone to her crying and she's always been so patient and helped talk me through whatever was going on.

Thanks for everything you've always done for me Roni! Even though I don't always show it the best, you truly do mean the world to me! I'm proud to have you as my "colored" sister! :) I love you!

My life as a CNA...

I am currently employed at a Care and Rehab Center as a CNA: Certified Nurse Assistant. For those of you that don't know the REAL job description for a CNA, let me paint a little picture for you: you will be called to come in at all hours of the day. Annnnd the night. You will never, ever recieve holidays or weekends off because people are always going to be sick and need help. On a daily basis you will give showers, help pass trays and feed people, take vital signs, get people dressed, take them to the bathroom at least 3 or 4 times, make sure they are taken to all appointments, make their bed, change their bed, pick things up, change oxygen tanks and concentrators, walk with them to rehab, chart, and any other small or large task that they feel that they need done. Repeat all of this for 20 other people for a minimum of 8 hours a day. People will complain and wine and fight you. Sometimes even physically! You will be YELLED at for things out of your hands that don't even relate to you. You will have to play "catch up" on almost a daily basis because the shift before you didn't have time to finish everything. On any given day you will have some (or all) body fluids on you or your scrubs. Diry old men will not only make you feel raped with their eyes, but sometimes will even go for grabbing at your body. And you better believe that they will make nasty comments! If you want to feel completly overworked, underpaid, exhausted and not the least bit appreciated, then the CNA job is for you!

But you also get to literally be somebody's hands and feet and eyes and ears. You will sit on a 94 year old woman's bed with her as she sobs, crying out that she's sick of being alone and ready for heaven. You will work in the Alheizmer's Unit and be soooo excited when 1 of them remembers something from the day before. You will get lots of kisses on the hands and face. You can walk into a room that is a disaster, to a person that's having the worst day of their life and 1 hour later walk out having turned their day around. You will sit with old women that talk about how amazing their husbands were and old men that teach you about guys side of marriage and what to hold out for. You will get to feel the incredible spirit of death and the peace that finally comes to people with it.

Ever left your job, screaming, contoured and spasming? In an ambulance? Let's just say it's not been the highlight of my time there. Coming back though, I have never felt more appreciated! Everybody from nursing, to rehab, activities, kitchen and housekeeping. Thanks for everyone's concern and phone calls! And THANK YOU to Lynsie Brunt who came to the ER and brought me this rose and some candy! Sometimes CNA life surprises you and you make friends with some really good people. I LOOOOOVE my job! :)

the friends who made me

So lately I have been watching a lot of the amazing show "Friends!" I love it! Last night I got down to those dreaded last 3 episodes. You know, the ones that you cry on everytime no matter how many times you've seen it before! And as per other traditions, I always kinda sit there and think about the friends that have had such a big impact in my own life.

To Catherine and Allie for being my first friends in Provo. To Brittney Robinson for always being a friend through the countlessssssss times that she should have ditched me. To Nicky Woodbury for teaching me about boys. To Tanner Perry for teaching me how to trust boys. To Ashlyn Unga for teaching me how to ditch. To Vaughan, Dewey and Devin for teaching me to always be yourself, all the time, no matter who else is around. To Nicole and Christina for teaching me about second chances. To Kelsey Kimball for teaching me how to honk a car horn in a body roll. To Carson, Brad (Darb), Seth, Brandon and Jake for teaching me to live with no regrets. To Penny Anae for letting me live at her house in high school. To Veronica Uata for making me realize how important the church is through all of our trial and errors ;) To Sam Amosa for teaching me about opening up, being a brother, and taking me to get sushi for the first time. To Austin and Cody and learning that sometimes revenge feels reallllly good. To Julia and Jocelyn for taking care of me everytime that I needed a friend. To Courney Davis for teaching me the REAL facts of boys and how fun high school could be. To Ericka Ahleen for teaching me about college life and being the greatest roommate ever! To the China Crew for teaching me about having adventures of a lifetime. To Carlos for always driving around with me and gossiping. To Brie Gutzman for teaching me to see the good in people and fighting for what we deserve. To Casey Burke for teaching me more about myself than he'll ever know. To Doug and Spiggs for teaching me how to cheat. To Kaylee Andrus for always dancing like nobody is watching. To Gabrielle Pinegar for always being down for a laugh. To J-Farns for being there when she would rather have been anywhere else in the world. To Ashlyn, Penny, Veronica and Dom-Dom for the nights we almost died, the tears we've cried, the hell we've raised and the pranks we've played. To Hillary Searle for being a great friend and making me always want to be better. To Tink, Pierre and Briezy for being the answers to many, many prayers. To Shay Harvey for being my taxi, my listening ear, my shopping partner and always knowing when I needed help. To Caleb Caple for re-newing my faith that great guys really do exist. To CEEJ, Jonny Lingo, Tanner, Kahea, Stewie, Kirk, Krys, Tan and Cole for being such great missionaries and amazing examples in my life. To Tessa Witt, Kim Blatter and Emily Russon for being the most Christlike and incredible people I know.

My mother of course!

As everybody already knows, yesterday was MOTHER'S DAY! I figure I'm already late with everything else in my life, so it's only naturally that'd I'd be late on posting a blog as well :)
My mom has ALWAYS put us kids first no matter what! An example I always think of was the that summer in our new Helper house when 1 night she got not a single minute of sleep. Why? 4 of the 5 of us alllllll had the flu. My dad was flying out of state for buisness meetings the next morning so she let him sleep while she stayed up dumbing our throw up, rinsing our mouths, calming us down and comforting us while we cried. Then onto the next kid. Repeat. Waking up the next morning was the first time that I understood just how much she loved us to stay up and do that for us all night.

My mom has always pushed me to become better and give my all in everything that I do. I've played sports ever since I could run. In the middle school and high school years of playing, my mom started telling me "GO UP BIG!" before EVERY single game! Sometimes as I was walking out the door that morning, sometimes from the stands right before we did lineups, sometimes (usually) both. Most times I'd just laugh and occasionally even get a little bothered ("I know... I know mom!") But it was always something that I looked forward to. On my senior night she wrote me a "letter" on applied it to life and it's something that has always stuck in my mind.

My mom has always been an example of loving the gospel and having faith no matter what comes my way. "WE ARE NOT AFRAID OF HARD" Enough said. Any of my sibling will read that and probably just laugh. I'm not even sure when this started but somehow it has become a family "catch phrase" over the years. It's applied to everything from moving, to health issues, to ending bad relationships to Taylor doing his eagle scout ;) , and everything in between! It's now even a saying on a wall in my room and was key in a huge change I had a couple weeks ago.

To say that my mom is supportive of me no matter what, is an understatement. I have had some crazy ideas in my 20 years and while talking to other people they'd get kinda a funny look on their face and say "What did your mom say about it?" But I never had to worry about that! No matter what I've wanted to do, my mom has not only stood behind me in it, but helped me with it as well! She's been there through me playing 2 high school sports at once, to being senior class president, to playing sports WHILE class president, to taking trips all over, to moving to St. George, to moving to CHINA.

My mom has taught me to give people another chance and the benefit of the doubt. She taught me this by doing it to me. I've always felt like the black sheep of my family but my mom has always tried to make me NOT feel like that. There's been counnnnntless times where I've screwed up in my life. Everytime I had to go and "confess" or tell my mom or when she came to me about it, I always knew that she'd still love me. She still would give me another chance with "freedom" later on. She knew that I was already down on myself and that she didn't need to add to that. She's always made me feel just as loved as my siblings even if I didn't deserve it.

M is for the MOMENTS you didn't smack me when you could have. O is for the OUTRAGEOUS things I did I never should have. T is for the TRIBULATIONS mothers have to live through. H is for the HEART ATTACKS I sometimes tried to give you. E is for the expressions you taught me not to say and R is for the great RESPECT I have for you today! ......This was my mothers day card this year and if you know me and my mom at all, then you know that this pretty well sums us up! Thank you mom! Thanks for everything that you've taught me. Thanks for standing by me. Thanks for being an incredible example day after day, year after year. I love you and wouldn't be where I am today without you!

life lately...

.........has been amazing!

Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain