a personal glimpse in

"People change so that you learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

"Don't worry about the people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."

Both of these quotes are something I struggle with A LOT! A lot more than I'd care to admit actually. To say that I'm an attached person would be an understatement. People have always been the #1 thing in my life and have (and will) take priority over anything else. I'd like to think that no matter what or when, I am always there for the people that I care about. Sometimes even the people that I DON'T care about.

As part of being attached, I also am easily impacted by people. Yearsssss down the road I can still remember little things that people said or did. I love having pictures with people. I love getting inside jokes. I love hanging out, even if we're just sitting there or driving around listening to music. I love having somebody that I can always go to. I love when I look at somebody and we crack up laughing because we know we're thinking the same thing. I love when I hear a song on the radio and I smile to think of somebody.

I hate it more than anything in the world when relationships go bad. If they naturally drift apart, I still struggle, but nothing is worse than bad "blowups" where things end awkward and there's suddenly a constant river of hurt feelings between you. I hate it so much, that it's typically impossible for me to ever stop trying to fix things. I refuse to accept that somebody who once meant the WORLD to me, could one day feel like a stranger.

To say I've had some struggles the last 6 months would ALSO be an understatement. For the first time in my whole life, I was finally able to at least moderatly "cut people out" of my life. Not even 1, but a small group even. It. Was. Awful. So awful in fact that one day as I was getting ready for work, I caved out of no where and sat on my bathroom floor BAWLING so hard that I proceeded to throw up 4 or 5 times. That was the first time I'd felt my heart honestly break and I didn't know what to do. At the time, it felt like life was ending in a small way. In fact that whole week, I was pretty sure I was honestly going to die because I'd never had those feelings and never hurt so bad. It's not something I'd wish on even an enemy.

As hard as it was, I learned a very important lesson that day. After I cleaned myself up and let the swelling in my face go down a little bit, I went into work. I was late but I still went. People still needed to be fed and put to bed. When I got out of work, the sun had gone down. When I woke up the next morning, the sun still came up. LIFE STILL WENT ON. I knew that things would never be the same. I knew I couldn't trust them or count on them and that for the time being, our frienships were over. For the first time in my life, I realized that life really could go on after cutting people out. Especially if the people treat me crappy and make me feel bad. It was hard, but it was possible.

Since that horrendus week, I have never been better. I have been so much more of myself. I feel GOOD about myself and know that I'm worth something and worth standing up for. I have a genuine self confidence. I know that the friends I have are great. Do I have a wall around my heart, comparable to the Great Wall of China? You bet I do! But the important thing is that I'm working on it and I'm slowly starting to let people in again.

I'm not sure why I felt that I needed to post this but for some reason I did. It's something that has been on my mind A LOTTTTT lately and pretty much the story of my last 6 months. It's hard and I'd never want to go through it again. As much as I miss the way things used to be, I still wouldn't trade where I am now to go back to them. Do I think about them all the time? Yes. Do I wish that I could still call or text them anytime? You bet. Do I wish that they'd still come and surprise me at midnight on random nights? Of course. Do I wish that I felt like I could trust them? Uhhh yeah. Do I get way sad thinking about how much they know about me and who they spread that information to? Absoultly. Do I regret being friends with them for as long as I was and the memories we had? Not for a second.

Moral of the story?...

"People change and things go wrong...but always remember LIFE GOES ON"

Little Brother...Class of 2010

Dear Brother of mine, how do I put into words?

Of how much you mean to me, and what you are worth?

You've come a long way and you've been through a lot

Today, for your graduation, let me give it a shot...

When we were young our tempers and hands freely flew

We'd beat til we both were all black and blue

Mom couldn't wait for that phase to soon die

Let me apolagize now for I may start to cry!

You're one of the best as we've already known

These past 18 years really have flown!

From elementary, to middle and finally high school

You've become a great man! No longer a fool!

You are kind, you are patient

And of course also tall

I was astounded at your sportsmanship

While watching you play ball

You take care of Kezy and watch out for Tan-Man

And learned that the family is your greatest of fans

You're responsible and trustworthy and efficient too

Mom will no longer fight you to buy new school shoes!

Of course it wasn't easy and sometimes straight up hard

I'm sure you had moments where you wanted to quite

But you always stuck through it

And even txtracted a little quick wit

You're supposed to be younger but I really don't see it

You are the greatest exampleI have in my life

You're never without a smile and faith

No matter how large or scary your strife

You honor your priesthood and fight to stay worthy

You're an example to all whether you know it or not

You do what is right

Even in times you wouldn't get caught

Never be afraid of hard

And don't forget to pray

When you don't know where else to go,

I'm always a phone call away

Welcome to real life! Let the party begin

You'll laugh and you'll cry and you'll have tons of fun

Dear Brother, I love you

Times infinity and plus one

HE DID IT! And I couldn't be more proud and excited for him....CONGRATTTTTTS!

~!~!~!~!

Want to know a weird feeling? When you're baby brother turns 16! I don't know why but it's really just tripping me out for some reason! Happy late one Tan since it was back in May...better late than never though! These are the top 16 things I love about this guy:
1: He is the ONLY one who remembers when he opened the fridge and all the food flew out
2: He's an amazing dancer
3: Ever seen him with Keznee? It will melt your heart "Yeah she grabs me by the hair to suck on my nose but as long as I get a turn to hold her I don't really care"
4: He once believed Utah was in a war with Idaho over potatoes :)
5: If you ever want to play a game, CALL THIS BOY! Doesn't matter time, place, game....anything! He alwaysssss wants to play
6: Tanner stands by the Colts his Lakers NO MATTER WHAT
7: His whole life he would be the poorest of the kids but he was the first to offer to lend or give money to us
8: He's quite possibly one of the most patient people that I know
9: He goes along with his sisters obbsessive compulsive picture taking
10: He ALWAYS turns down my music when I drive him anywherrrrrre "I think it's loud enough already"
11: It is pretty close to impossible for him to ever hold a grudge
12: He's a great sport and puts up with a LOT of crap before he gets legitamately upset
13: He has always been our "go to" man. Need money? Want something from the kitchen? Carrying something heavy? Craving a back rub? Go to Tanner and he will always help out
14: Sneaky T! In high school he always knew what was going on with all of my friends
15: He's always done such a good job honoring his priesthood
16: His little phrases: "Happy are we!" "wellllll that wasn't very kind!" "And how are we today?" "I'm sorry how are you? I didn't even say hi yet"

lad-da-da

WOOOOW! So it's definetly been a while since I've blogged! I personally blame my journal and missionary friends. I've been trying to get back into writing there and so by the time I finish with those I'm pretty much done! HOWEVER! I do have a lot that I want to blog about too. I'll try that after working my crazy 8 hours at work today :(

For now just know that my head is spinning with options, life is confusing, I'm exhuasted, overworked, underpaid, tan, confused and full of secrets. But I am soooo HAPPY! :) Have a greaaaat summer day!