a personal glimpse in

"People change so that you learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

"Don't worry about the people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."

Both of these quotes are something I struggle with A LOT! A lot more than I'd care to admit actually. To say that I'm an attached person would be an understatement. People have always been the #1 thing in my life and have (and will) take priority over anything else. I'd like to think that no matter what or when, I am always there for the people that I care about. Sometimes even the people that I DON'T care about.

As part of being attached, I also am easily impacted by people. Yearsssss down the road I can still remember little things that people said or did. I love having pictures with people. I love getting inside jokes. I love hanging out, even if we're just sitting there or driving around listening to music. I love having somebody that I can always go to. I love when I look at somebody and we crack up laughing because we know we're thinking the same thing. I love when I hear a song on the radio and I smile to think of somebody.

I hate it more than anything in the world when relationships go bad. If they naturally drift apart, I still struggle, but nothing is worse than bad "blowups" where things end awkward and there's suddenly a constant river of hurt feelings between you. I hate it so much, that it's typically impossible for me to ever stop trying to fix things. I refuse to accept that somebody who once meant the WORLD to me, could one day feel like a stranger.

To say I've had some struggles the last 6 months would ALSO be an understatement. For the first time in my whole life, I was finally able to at least moderatly "cut people out" of my life. Not even 1, but a small group even. It. Was. Awful. So awful in fact that one day as I was getting ready for work, I caved out of no where and sat on my bathroom floor BAWLING so hard that I proceeded to throw up 4 or 5 times. That was the first time I'd felt my heart honestly break and I didn't know what to do. At the time, it felt like life was ending in a small way. In fact that whole week, I was pretty sure I was honestly going to die because I'd never had those feelings and never hurt so bad. It's not something I'd wish on even an enemy.

As hard as it was, I learned a very important lesson that day. After I cleaned myself up and let the swelling in my face go down a little bit, I went into work. I was late but I still went. People still needed to be fed and put to bed. When I got out of work, the sun had gone down. When I woke up the next morning, the sun still came up. LIFE STILL WENT ON. I knew that things would never be the same. I knew I couldn't trust them or count on them and that for the time being, our frienships were over. For the first time in my life, I realized that life really could go on after cutting people out. Especially if the people treat me crappy and make me feel bad. It was hard, but it was possible.

Since that horrendus week, I have never been better. I have been so much more of myself. I feel GOOD about myself and know that I'm worth something and worth standing up for. I have a genuine self confidence. I know that the friends I have are great. Do I have a wall around my heart, comparable to the Great Wall of China? You bet I do! But the important thing is that I'm working on it and I'm slowly starting to let people in again.

I'm not sure why I felt that I needed to post this but for some reason I did. It's something that has been on my mind A LOTTTTT lately and pretty much the story of my last 6 months. It's hard and I'd never want to go through it again. As much as I miss the way things used to be, I still wouldn't trade where I am now to go back to them. Do I think about them all the time? Yes. Do I wish that I could still call or text them anytime? You bet. Do I wish that they'd still come and surprise me at midnight on random nights? Of course. Do I wish that I felt like I could trust them? Uhhh yeah. Do I get way sad thinking about how much they know about me and who they spread that information to? Absoultly. Do I regret being friends with them for as long as I was and the memories we had? Not for a second.

Moral of the story?...

"People change and things go wrong...but always remember LIFE GOES ON"