in my head

In my head there are lots of thoughts about school. I wonder if I really am on the 9 year track to my associates. I have a lot hate relationship with it. I am excited to be at UVU and with something new and exciting and fresh again.

In my head I think about the temple. I love my temple walks with Veronica! So much fun and such good talks and venting. Especially when we wander into deer :) I think of what it must be like inside. I think of how much I love seeing pictures of when people come out after being sealed and how they never look happier!

In my head I think about change. I think of where I was 2 years ago and where I am now. I think of everything that had to change and what I had to go through to get to where I am today, but how I've never been happier.

In my head I think about Kezy girl. I think of how much I just love her to death and how precious she is. I wonder about where she'll go in life. I watch her kiss pictures of her dad and wonder if she really does understand that he's not here. I wonder if she'll act different towards him when he comes home.

In my head, I think of how amazed I am by Ashlee. I think of how much even I miss Jake and can't comprehend how she does it! I think of how she feels after she talks to him. I wonder how she's able to stay so calm and clear headed because I'm pretty sure if it was me, I'd be an emotional wreck! I have soooooo much respect and admiration for her! Not only raising Kez "alone", not only for being pregnant AGAIN, not only for having her husband on the other side of the world, AND for doing school too! I think of how I've probably never told her this.

In my head I re-live China again and again and again. I think of the INCREDIBLE time I had there. I think of Colin and Paul and Ringo and Matt and Dave and how they could drive me crazzzzzy but give me a hug and it was all erased. I remember how I LOVED the kids and had never loved anything like that before. I think of "dorm life" and all of us together and getting to be so close. I think of board talks and all the dreams that were shared, the secrets that were spilled, the stories that were told and the laughs that literally echoed down the hallway, turning on lights as it went. I think of how I have never been so repulsed by food before. I think of how much I loved hearing 1 little word: "TEACHA!"

In my head I think of Taylor. It amazes me that in just a few months my little brother will be heading out on a mission. I think of the incredible example he is to me, allll the time! I think of how my whole family will freak out if he gets called to Alabama :)

In my head I think of my best friend. I think over and over and over "And I have a whole list of songs to play for you! We'll be listening to it before you know it." I think of how excited I am to put his number back in my phone. I think of how we'll go for rides and go all the way to Heber just to get ice cream and sit in the train. I think of the 3 am runs to Krispy Kreme. I think of how much he's changed and how excited I am to get to know this "new and improved" version. I'm excited to see pictures and hear stories.

In my head I think of St. George and how much I miss the weather there. I think of pool and lake days. I think of how white I've gotten and how my hair probably won't be naturally lightened for much longer. :(

In my head I think of how powerful pain is. I think of how, like friends, it can make you or break you. I think of when one of my best friends said that I can hold a grudge better than anybody that he knew. I think of how I was kinda proud of that but kinda surprised and taken off guard at the same time. I think of how you can take it and accept it and change for the good, or how you can let it sit inside and just destroy you. I think of how I have DEFINETLY had this go both ways for me. I think of how happy I am for the pain I had last semester, because it brought a monster load of change to me, for the good.

In my head I think of music. I remember how many AMAZING concerts I've gone to! I think of the songs that remind me of things or people, which is both a good and a bad thing. I think of how there are still certain songs that I can't listen to now, because they trigger things from years ago. It amazes me how words put to a beat with some instruments can stir things up in me like nothing else can.

In my head, I think of "Wilmur". I think of how far he's come and how far he still has to go. I think of the back and forth with him but how I'm still grateful to have him in my life. I think of the memories that are associated with him and the other boys he makes me think of. I think of late night phone calls. I think of fighting like nobody's business. I think of screaming and slamming doors and drive like a crazy person. I think of laughing so hard I almost pee. I think of him calling just to say hi and texting just to say goodnight. I think of the best phone call of my life. I think of how his word is starting to mean something again. I think of how happy I am for him :)

In my head I think of how I'm happy! I think of how I have great people in my life, no matter where I'm at! I think of how I, like Wilmur, still have a ways to go on some things but the point is that I'm making progress. I think of where I want to go and focus on that. I think of where I've been and the great times I've had along the way.

In my head, there is a LOT of activity tonight